Relationship Problems

Relationship problems can be situational, or they can reflect a chronic pattern that has lasted for years. Every relationship has its own dynamics, and behind every relationship problem lie, to a greater or lesser extent, the traces of old wounds. Knowing what hurt us in the past and why, and recognising how we have tried to cope with that wound, is the first step towards overcoming relationship problems. It is hard to stay happy in a relationship where we do not feel safe, where our boundaries are not respected, where we are not understood or where we are judged. Situations such as being repeatedly abandoned or constantly expecting to be, being belittled, physical, emotional or sexual abuse, living on edge for fear of being cheated on, being rigidly controlled or feeling chronically lonely can lead to many unmet needs and painful emotions.

Relationship problems

The concept of dating violence points to the psychological effects of such relationship patterns, which have come to the fore in the 21st century. Relationship problems that arise within marriage, or at the stage of separation and divorce, can be assessed and addressed comprehensively through marital therapy, couples therapy and divorce counselling. Relationship problems are not limited to heterosexual couples; they also affect same-sex relationships, and the social pressures LGBT+ people face can add to the difficulties in their relationships. Nor are they limited to couples: they cover a wide range, including parent–child relationships, violence against women, peer relationships and relationships at work and in social life. They are therefore a serious public health issue that calls not only for treatment but also for prevention.

Psychological patterns linked to relationship problems

Relationship problems can arise from:

• being unable to communicate in a healthy way, or blocking communication
• insecurity, not opening up, lack of intimacy
• not feeling at ease or able to be oneself
• feeling controlled
• constant blaming, criticising or judging, or being on the receiving end of these
• indifference and neglect
• always needing to be right
• avoiding conflict
• emotional abuse
• anxiety about being abandoned or cheated on
• finding it hard to say no, or feeling guilty after saying no
• difficulty forming deep emotional bonds, or sustaining relationships
• submissive behaviour
• thoughts of rejection or exclusion
• feeling lonely in cold relationships that lack emotional warmth
• being unable to end a destructive relationship, or being dependent within it
• fault-finding, belittling, harshly critical partners or friends
• sacrificing oneself and constantly trying to meet the other person’s needs
• physical or psychological boundaries not being respected
• choosing partners who feel entitled, lack empathy and always want to take
• excessive intrusiveness and controlling behaviour

Treatment

Relationship problems are treated mainly with psychotherapy, especially psychodynamic psychotherapy, cognitive behavioural therapy and psychoanalysis (through associations such as the Istanbul Psychoanalytic Association and PsikeIstanbul). When one or both partners also have a psychiatric disorder (depression, anxiety disorders, psychosis and so on), psychiatric medication can support the psychotherapy process.

Below you will find a comprehensive article that examines problems in intimate relationships, one of the most central and complex experiences of modern life, through the core theories of psychiatry.

The psychodynamic and systemic foundations of problems in intimate relationships: a holistic view

Author: Prof. Dr. Ali Keyvan, Psychiatrist

Abstract

Human beings are relational by nature, and life satisfaction depends largely on the quality of our close relationships. Yet these relationships can also be the source of the deepest pain and the most complex conflicts. This article argues that the problems couples commonly bring to therapy (breakdown in communication, frequent conflict, loss of trust, sexual problems) are only surface symptoms, and it examines the deeper psychodynamic and systemic roots beneath them. It discusses how John Bowlby’s attachment theory plays out in adult romantic relationships, particularly the dysfunctional pattern known as the “anxious–avoidant dance”. Drawing on psychoanalytic and object relations theory, it considers the role of unconscious mechanisms such as “repetition compulsion” in partner choice and “projective identification” in sustaining conflict. Murray Bowen’s family systems concept of “differentiation of self” is used to understand how unresolved issues from each person’s family of origin affect the current relationship. Finally, communication models based on John Gottman’s research, such as the “Four Horsemen” (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling), show how these deep dynamics appear at the behavioural level. The article concludes that effective couples therapy must go beyond teaching communication skills and help both partners understand the complex, multi-layered structure created by what each brings from their own past and by the relationship as a “third entity”.

Keywords: relationship problems, couples therapy, attachment theory, psychoanalysis, family systems, John Gottman, projective identification.

1. Introduction: the meaning beyond the symptom

When a couple seeks help in clinical practice, the problem they bring is usually concrete and behavioural: “We fight all the time”, “We don’t talk to each other any more”, “Our sex life is over”, “He lied to me”. These complaints are symptoms showing that the relationship has a fever and a cough. But a good clinician does not focus only on bringing down the fever or stopping the cough; they try to understand the underlying infection. The roots of problems in intimate relationships rarely lie in the “current” event. More often, the problem is the collision, on today’s stage, of the invisible “baggage” both partners bring from their personal histories, childhood experiences and learned relationship patterns. This article aims to shed light on that baggage through the core theories of psychology.

2. The roots of the problems: key theoretical approaches

2.1. Attachment theory: childhood in adulthood

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and adapted to adult romantic relationships by Hazan and Shaver, offers one of the most powerful frameworks for understanding couple dynamics today. According to this theory, the bond we form with our primary caregiver in childhood becomes the basic template for the relationship we form with a partner in adulthood.

• Securely attached people, whose needs were met consistently in childhood and who felt sure of love and safety, are not afraid of closeness, trust their partners and can resolve conflict constructively.

• Anxiously attached people, who received inconsistent attention in childhood, intensely fear being abandoned as adults. They may cling to their partners, seek excessive approval, feel jealous and constantly ask for reassurance, and they experience the slightest distance as a catastrophe.

• Avoidantly attached people, whose emotional needs were repeatedly rejected in childhood, learn that closeness and emotional expression are dangerous or unnecessary. As adults they are emotionally distant, overly attached to their “independence”, overwhelmed by their partner’s emotional demands and inclined to withdraw into their shell during conflict.

The dysfunctional pattern we see most often in clinical practice is the “anxious–avoidant dance”. The more the anxious partner seeks closeness, the more the avoidant partner feels overwhelmed and pulls away; this distance triggers the anxious partner’s fear of abandonment and makes them cling even more. It is a tragic, self-perpetuating cycle that confirms both partners’ deepest fears.

2.2. Psychodynamic and object relations theory: the present on the stage of the past

This approach holds that our choice of partner and our conflicts within relationships are governed by unconscious forces.

• Repetition compulsion: Freud’s core concept describes the tendency to re-enact, in adulthood, a conflict left unresolved in childhood by choosing partners who evoke it. For example, a woman with a critical and distant father may, without realising it, choose partners who behave in similar ways, unconsciously keeping alive the fantasy that “this time I’ll change him / win him over”.

• Projective identification: one of the most powerful and complex unconscious mechanisms between partners. A person projects a part of themselves they cannot accept (such as anger or neediness) onto their partner and, without realising it, behaves in ways that lead the partner to act out exactly that projected role. For example, a man who suppresses his own anger may, by constantly criticising his partner or behaving passive-aggressively, provoke her into being “angry and hysterical”, and then complain, “See, you’re always like this!” This is the basis of the familiar situation in which partners “drive each other crazy”.

2.3. Family systems theory: a new system born from two families

According to Murray Bowen, the foundation of a healthy relationship is “differentiation of self”: being able to form a deep emotional bond with a partner without losing one’s own identity, thoughts and feelings within it. People with low differentiation either merge completely with their partner (fusion) and lose themselves, or react to the slightest conflict by withdrawing emotionally altogether (emotional cut-off). Couples usually carry the levels of differentiation and communication patterns of their families of origin into their new relationship, and this is a major source of conflict.

2.4. Cognitive behavioural and communication models

These approaches focus on how problems show up in observable behaviour and thought patterns.

• John Gottman and the “Four Horsemen”: Gottman’s long-term research identified four destructive communication styles that predict divorce with high accuracy:

  1. Criticism: attacking the partner’s character (“You’re always like this!”).

  2. Contempt: mocking, belittling or rolling one’s eyes at the partner. It is the strongest predictor of divorce.

  3. Defensiveness: refusing to take responsibility and counter-attacking.

  4. Stonewalling: shutting down communication completely and ignoring the partner.

• Relational schemas: rigid, unrealistic “should” beliefs about relationships (“My partner should know what I’m thinking”, “We should never argue”) pave the way for disappointment and anger.

3. Therapeutic intervention: repairing the relationship

The aim of couples therapy is not to find someone to blame but to help both partners understand their own role in the dysfunctional cycle and learn new skills to break it. Attachment-based approaches such as emotionally focused therapy (EFT) help couples express the deeper attachment fears and needs beneath their surface anger. CBT-based approaches such as the Gottman Method teach concrete communication skills to replace the “Four Horsemen” with their antidotes (gentle start-up, appreciation, taking responsibility, engaging in dialogue).

4. Conclusion

Every relationship is a complex intersection of two histories, two psychological worlds and two family systems. Problems are a natural and inevitable part of this union. What determines a relationship’s health is not whether problems exist but how they are handled. Couples who have the courage to understand their own and their partner’s deeper motivations, who face the shadows of the past instead of running from them and who develop constructive communication can use conflict not as a crisis but as an opportunity for deeper closeness and understanding.

5. References

• Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.

• Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.

• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony.

• Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. K. (1988). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. Henry Holt and Co.

• Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. Jason Aronson.

• Scharff, D. E., & Scharff, J. S. (1987). Object Relations Family Therapy. Jason Aronson.